The Journey is Yours and Yours only

I’m being turned inside out and upside down. Like Alice falling down the rabbit hole in slow motion into another world. Spiritually, I’m in some sort of void right now. It’s as if everything is being stripped away from me. Everything I think I know and believe.

I’m being brought to this void of nothingness for a reason. This isn’t anything “negative.” This is just part of my journey right now. True spiritual work asks us to travel into our depths. To strip ourselves of everything we think we are and know, to discover who we really are at a soul level. Which is what I believe I am being called to do on a deeper level. Now more than ever. To deepen my connection to my path.

It feels to me as if Earth is in her own dark night of the soul during this pandemic where she is repairing, healing, and transforming in her own way. Everyone that exists on this planet is also going through some sort of transformation. We’re all in the same storm, simply different boats, having hugely different experiences from the same cause. So the energy can be very different for every person, on various levels. I’m feeling an energy of empowerment. It’s time to step into the magic of who I really am.

I’m personally connected to Earth energy and whatever Mama Earth is doing, I am as well. Because I naturally follow Earth’s cycles, I can feel the Moon energy and the seasons helping me grow through my journey. Especially, now. I can feel my path morphing and changing again as I grow. As I move deeper onto my path.

For months now I haven’t been feeling quite myself. Not feeling inspired or motivated, and frankly, confused about what it is I should be doing, teaching, or writing about. It’s as if I suddenly lost my spark. I lost my connection to my path. I couldn’t put my unique touch onto anything and my message just wasn’t getting anywhere.

I’m realizing I don’t know who I really am. Or, I’m just not stepping into it. One of the two. Most likely both. I’m giving my power away by not listening to my heart and soul. I’m abandoning myself every time I don’t follow my intuitive nudges. I follow them… most of the time. I just need constant confirmation and validation and I listen to the messages of others before I listen to my own. That needs to stop.

It feels like everything I have learned, read about, researched, soaked in from other teachers, beliefs I took on… it doesn’t matter right now anymore. It had its purpose though. To open my mind and heart to all the possible wisdom but, that’s it. I spent years searching, reading, taking classes, and seeking knowledge about everything in my search for the truth. And none of it matters anymore. At least that’s how it feels for me.

When I contemplate on this feeling, I feel as though, “phase one is finished, phase two now begins.” It makes perfect sense to me. The first half of this journey seemed to be filled more with healing, maturing, opening of the mind, and heart through everything I have learned, but now things have changed.

For the past year, healers kept telling me I was on the verge of a spiritual breakthrough. Which was true, but it kind of pissed me off because it was taking so long to get through. I kept thinking, “I’m ready, let’s get on with it.” But I was always given a, “not yet.” During this time, I so desperately wanted to go back “home” at the same time, rather than sit in that energy any longer. (Not in a suicidal way just to clarify. My soul just longed to go back home because this work is a lot harder than I thought it would be.) Anything to not move deeper into the energy.

This change I’m feeling is calling me to step into something.  To walk this path my own way, with my own truths, my own connections. No outside influence. Just what I believe from my heart, from my soul, and my Divine connections.

In native traditions and religious practices, the Shaman, the seer, the leader, the elder, was the one that went away. Who moved into a reclusive time of deep prayer, fasting, ceremony, or a vision quest. They found a mountain, a cave, somewhere away from the noise to seek direction from Spirit.

I’m feeling a similar calling. This is the way to stay true to my inner path. I must find it within. It’s not outside of me.

I believe we all should do this. We all should listen to our own calling. Follow our own paths. To stop listening to gurus, spiritual coaches (don’t get me started with the coaches!), and other teachers who say they have all the answers. Spirituality has become a trend. It’s fluffy, pretty, and shallow. It lacks depth, real connection, and it’s materialistic. A true spiritual path requires work. It’s raw, offensive, wild, and messy. It’s not pretty. It’s transformational. It requires a dive into the darkness. It’s more than carrying crystals and making Moon intentions. It’s forging your own path with your own inner power. No one can tell you how to be spiritual. No one should. Guidance, yes, but use your discernment. Find the answers within. Those matter the most anyways.

This journey is yours and yours only. It is a journey into the unknown that only you can take. Only you can determine what is part of your path and what is not. Only you can decide what is the truth and what is not. This path is uniquely yours. You have all the answers within. You really do!

“A spiritual journey is individual, highly personal. It can’t be organized or regulated. It isn’t true that everyone should follow one path. Listen to your own truth.”

Ram Dass